Scared Witless and Back in the World
by Unfortunate
Summary: Remus Lupin writes a confused monologue on the people that made his reality. Life is too important to take seriously. Odd writing and no proper ending. Enjoy.
1. The Part of You You Are

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**_Scared Witless and Back in the World_**

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**By:** Unfortunate 

**Disclaimer**: Verily disclaimed

**Summary**: In this short piece composed by Remus Lupin he relives all his friends and what they mean to him. The odd grammar and run-on sentences are intentional. The definition of friends by James Potter, What Makes Remus Happy, and no proper ending included. Enjoy.

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We made a world for us to live in. We left out all the pain and the fear of the outside world and we made it peaceful. We were the pillars of it, the things that kept the roof up and the walls standing and the rest of reality out. But, the building fell leaving me hurt and in reality. And this story is about you, whichever part of _you_ you may be.... 

I'm terrified of being around you sometimes. You make me feel things I never wanted to feel, things that should have remained inside the romance novels and horror stories they came from. You make me feel envy, passion, and sometimes wanting. Mostly though, I'm just terrified at the thought of you.

You're larger then life, Sirius Black, an idol. Bigger then Jesus himself sometimes, I think. Bigger then the whole world and yet so overcome by everything. That's the mind-blowing part of it though, that you were always the one who could be so open about everything while I couldn't. But it turns out that you were more closed off then I could ever be.

That's the jealous part, you know: _wanting to be you_. When we were younger I used to think of myself as a part of you, an extension of the majesty that just wasn't as overwhelming, and so a bit more humanized. But, when we got older and the seasons changed to summer and you shone... I realized I wasn't you.

I wasn't in the same league as you.

-_I can remember you on lying near the bank of the lake, skipping rocks and pebbles, with a group of people egging you on. I remember hearing the rocks splash over the surface. People were talking about music; their voices a low murmur completely drown out by the barking of your laughter that seemed so rich in the warm soupy air. Closing my eyes and looking at the sun. Hearing the rocks skip: one, two, three, _splash_. Feeling the air of an August day like a shroud of peace, lying thickly. And you, plopping down beside me on the wilting grass, and I swear I could feel your smile_-

Living a legend they call it. We could get away with anything back then, even murder. I suppose if I asked you you'd say, -_of course we could get away with anything. we were the marauders, man_- as if that just ended everything.

You know that feeling when you've just made a perfect potion or taken a ride on the best broom in the world? We were living that. Time was for other people, rules were for other people, and we had it all stretched out before us. I don't think we were quite fourteen.

-_moony, what are we going to do when we're done with school_-

At the time we all thought we were going to extend the legend. The world was ready for the taking, people were moving to our tune. Our band: the **Marauders**. You're crooning a ribald love song on a pink microphone, swaying back and forth with your eyes closed, James is on the guitar besides you winking at an angry blushing Lily Evans and having underwear flung at his head, a cheesy smile plastered across his happy-go-lucky face, Peter is on the drums beating away a consistent rhythm and no one remembers his name, and I'm on the piano making people sigh with feelings they don't know the names for, that aren't in the dictionary, and matching my melody to your swaying but missing the beat slightly, because your movements aren't ever steady.

_That's_ our band.

And I close my eyes are you melt into James.

James, you never knew how admired you could be, a Boy Scout classic, with untidy hair, always willing to help out a friend. You were always the _loved_ one, the one who everybody knew. Sirius was too big, I was too introverted, and Peter was too mediocre. I think you knew it too, and your ego proved it.

I think you were my first friend. I didn't know what a friend was back then, but you came up and confused me with your smiles and said –_hey, do you want to be my friend_- and I became flustered because I didn't know what you were talking about. You explained it like this: -_a friend is a person who...well... if you died, let's say...they'd be at your funeral_-. I'll remember that forever.

So we were friends from then on. Then stand-offish and snobby Sirius finally let us into his world, and we joined it. I think it was then that you two became the closest, and I became the tag-along. Constantly battling over the power of being alpha in the group, and yet growing closer then brothers.

Yet, sometime during second year you noticed our pudgy pink shadow, and you asked him the same question you asked me and he said yes. You made him your pet project. So then we were four. The order in the pack was leveled, and we rose to new heights.

At fourteen we were living in a new reality, beyond the touch of change or human pettiness.

But, we grew older, and everyone else's reality interrupted us every once in awhile, sometimes permanently...

I'll never forget the look on your face when you realized Lily Evans was a girl.

-_sirius, will you stop being such an exhibitionist, i swear you get worse every year. You were laughing as Sirius bowed. and remus, watch wear you are putting that... hello! hey sirius, was that... evans? she's...-_

You were unusually quiet during that train trip. And that year- fifth?- you teased and hit on an increasingly furious Lily Evans incessantly. You were a bit of a stalker really, and Sirius and I found it hilarious. Peter was too much in awe of you to join in.

_God_ that was beautiful.

What you two had... _no one_ in the world could be that in love... _no one_ was that perfect together... _no one_ was as destined... _no one_ was as straight out of a sitcom...

I remember the love/hate you used to have, the pain in your voice when you saw her happy without you, but I can never remember not knowing that you were in love with her. Even as a first year, when we'd have those cutesy school dances, you'd always ask Lily after much heartache and deliberation, only to be told that it was too late, someone had already asked. But, there were always girls in love with you to fall back upon, until you just stopped falling back. And, after so much falling alone, Lily finally reached out and caught you.

It didn't change our group much, and your first loyalty always was melted between Lily and us anyways. –_if a friend is a person who'd be at your funeral, what is a girlfriend like?_- I asked. You thought about it for a second, before leaning your face on the palms of your hands and staring out of the window at the Forbidden Forest. Then, a sappy smile planted itself on your face. –_for me,_- you said with a breathy voice –_lily evans is a girlfriend_- I looked at you then, fully realizing then how much you loved her that I could smell the love oozing out of you, even if she hated you. And I asked you what a girlfriend was for other people who didn't have Lilies to love. I'd asked because you always knew how to describe things on such a candid level that I could understand in with my senses alone, and my senses were always my best feature. –_for other people_- you mused.

-_for other people is a hard question, remus. see, for sirius, girlfriends are toys which he uses, breaks, and buys a new one. for peter, they are untouchables. for that one blonde hufflepuff they are not of interest, because he likes boys. for snape, they are things that make him miserable because nobody ever wants a slimy git. and, for you remus, i think they are a thing of interest, but a passive interest, because you feel that nobody likes a werewolf, and you know that your friends love you more then anyone ever could_-

You see how well you understood me? You always knew things, even when I, with all my heightened senses, could not. Being in your company was like living in paradise because life paled besides our world.

I could taste the devotion we had for each other. It was so comforting knowing that there were people who would die for you and you would be happy to die for. People that would show up at your funeral and never cry, because you can't cry at your own funeral, which is what it would be. But we were so sure that we'd never die, weren't we, James? **Bad things didn't happen to people who were just sixteen**.

Close my eyes and you become Peter.

You were one of us by default. It never seemed to matter until you got down to loyalties, in which you didn't owe to the Marauders like Sirius, James, and I did but to each of us as a person.

_James for taking you in and making you part of us._

_Me for being kind to you, helping you, making you feel welcome and whole._

_Sirius for giving you experiences that would make you feel alive._

Peter, you were the solding bead of our gang. You were the only one who never was in conflict, who was accepted at face value. You were the one who fit in with us, but never really belonged. You were the runt, you were the younger brother. And we cared for you and were your friends.

-_hey pete, you want help with that essay_?- you'd nod timidly and all three of us would come over and argue over the answers. Eventually, your paper would become so full of contradictions and random tangents that the teachers thought you were schizophrenic, to have so many personalities. Sirius would turn red as you would blink in confusion and finally throw his hands up dramatically and storm off. You'd look nervous and upset but James would set a hand on your shoulder. I'd be the next to walk off, yawning and stumbling to bed. Sirius would roll his eyes and we'd talk. James would leave soon after I did and you'd finish with a triumphant smile. We'd be talking when you got back in the dorm, and you'd listen to us, making confused comments sometimes.

You were the only Marauder who grew apart when James and Lily stared to be _JamesandLily_. James didn't have time for his pet project anymore, Sirius didn't have time for the ordinary, he was too busy being an icon, and I was too busy being part of Sirius and school for bumbling you.

-_I can remember you on graduation day, standing by the old tree we used to sit by and hugging your shoulders. Something was wrong, and I was going to ask you about it, but James was proposing. I forgot you. Sirius distracted me afterwards with his vitality and so I forgot about you_-

Peter, you were never underappreciated, there just wasn't enough of you to appreciate.

And I close my eyes are your pudgy face forms into Lily's clever, pretty one.

Lily, you and I are kindred spirits. Remember the study groups and the jokes we used to tell each other. We'd laugh until we cried, hugging our ribs and smiling to each other. We knew how to study and liked school. We enjoyed nature.

I can remember walking with you in your crazed period.

-_You skipped ahead and twirled. Snow sprayed out from your feet. I laughed a great puff of breath. You giggled. It was snowing in a Christmas way, with great fat flakes falling from a vortex of the sky. Your cheeks were red and your hair spread as you twirled like a crimson halo framing your pale face. I was conscious of your every movement and very aware of why James was in love with you. You closed your beautiful eyes and stuck out your tongue, catching snow. I hummed a Christmas carol and you started to sing out loud. God Lily, you were too infallible to possibly be human. You decided to do something unexpected and you tackled me. I fell with an oomph in the snow and you rolled off. You made a snow angel and I couldn't help but think how fitting. We ran up to the castle with blue lips and snow falling out of your trademark red hair_-

We knew each other so well that my being a werewolf didn't faze you at all. You blinked, and said –_how terrible for you. sorry, remus_- and hugged me. I have happier then I had been in a long time.

Even though you weren't a Marauder we were soul mates in a way. You were as much a piece of our fabricated world as anything. You and James understood me in a way that no one else did because Sirius made me understand and Peter never got me at all.

You were the only flawless thing in my universe, Lily, and I was your friend, never doubt it.

My eyes close and you face melts into that of my own.

I open my eyes.

_-All of us standing in Godric's Hollow kitchen dancing and laughing- disbelief at James and Lily's death- Sirius going to prison for killing Peter and betraying Lily and James to Voldemort and my feeling of end- being rejected in all jobs until Dumbledore- my class staring eagerly at me- sitting alone in my room- going to Grimmauld Place and living in Sirius again, back with my idol- crying as Sirius, the undefeatable one, dies at the clutches of a piece of drapery- living painfully alone, wishing fearing for my dead best friend's son-_

And I'm just so scared in this reality.

I went to all of their funerals, sometimes twice, like in Peter's case.

I can remember all of them so clearly, and **yet**...


	2. What Light Through Yonder Window Breaks?

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_****_Scared Witless and Back in the World_**

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**Disclaimer:** Ohh.... verily.

**By**: Unfortunate

**Summary:** Another random piece of writing from the desk of Remus Lupin, this time, as a play. More lingustic abuse abounding. This time, it's about memories and symbols.

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**_And yet…_**

(_Open curtains. Stage dark except for one light, pointing towards the center of the stage, slightly to the left. House lights flick off. Footsteps shuffle in the background. Suddenly, a figure appears in the light. He's glaring at the ceiling_)

**Sirius**: Remus, I know what you are.

(_Another figure enters from stage right. His hands are shaking in apprehension.)_

**remus** (_scared_): I- I don't know what you mean Sirius. I am what I've always been.

**Sirius**: Are you?

**remus** (_laughing nervously_): Well, I suppose I am a closet Ravenclaw…

**Sirius **(_flatly_): You're a werewolf. You lied to us.

**remus**: I- I- (_he falls into a lapsing silence_)

**Sirius**: Were you ever going to tell me, Remus? Ever mention the fact that you're no quite like the rest of us? That you're not quite… human?

**remus** (_getting angry_): Well what was I supposed to say? Hmm? '_oh by the_ way, I'm a monster'. **Yeah**… and have you come at me with pitchforks and silver? Ha. _Right_.

**Sirius**: You could have mentioned it.

**remus **(_angry now_): When! It's not- you don't- you have no_ fucking _clue what it's like to be a monster, Sirius. People you don't even know hate you over something you can't control!

**Sirius **(_equally furious_): I wouldn't have hated you! You didn't have to lie about it, Remus! You could have been a real friend and told me the truth!

**remus**: What is a '_real_' friend, Sirius? I've never even had a friend until you and James and Peter! I couldn't…. I _couldn't_ lose you…. (_he rubs at his eyes_)… you could never understand….

**Sirius **(_still upset_): You should have known you could trust me- **us**!

**remus**: You're popular and have loads of friends, Sirius… you could never understand me at all….

**Sirius**: No Remus,_ you_ don't understand. I don't bloody care that you're a werewolf. You're a great bloke. I care that you couldn't even bother to tell me the truth!

**remus** (_shocked_): You… you don't hate me?

**Sirius **(_incredulous_): What are you on, Remus? I could never hate you.

**remus**: But I thought that because I was a werewolf-

**Sirius** (_interrupting_): I don't care about that. You're Remus. You're _only _Remus.

**remus** (_shocked still_): I'm sorry… I'm sorry… I'm….

**Sirius**: Making an utter prat of yourself. (_He draws remus into a manly and dignified hug_)

(_The light goes out abruptly. When it comes on again a figure is sitting on the edge of the stage.)_

**remus**: See how he understood? There were a million times just like this that he'll never remember, because he's gone. A million times I've recorded safely in my memory because there aren't words to put it in. Awkward pauses that I can't express and odd looks that I can't describe. I'm no master of the quill; I'm no pensive to show you my memories. But I can give you the words he said, the words they all said. Because in the end, all I've got are words. Let me give you an image in words of _Lily_…

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I sit at the desk, doing homework. James and Sirius have scratched obscenities all over the top of the table when they got bored with homework. I idly scratch out a line on my essay when I smell something sweet. –_A sweetened perfume, like a melted chocolate bar_- I get a craving for chocolate. Soft shoes scrape on the carpet of Gryffindor Tower, echoing off the common room walls, but not drowned out by the usual chatter. –_No heels to catch in the rug, just soft shoes scraping gently, they sound brown to me_- I can see her in the mirror –_red hair dripping lazily into her left eye, two slender white finger pushing it behind her ear_- I smile at the image of her. I bring a sugar quill to my lips and I remember the one time we kissed under the mistletoe –_she tasted like chocolate and sugar quill, and I couldn't quite forget the taste of her, even after I'd licked my lips for the thousandth time_- I reread the last line I've written on the essay. It doesn't make a lot of sense. It's not smooth. –_lily's hands are smooth when they hold yours, as smooth as her hair_ -

Sometimes, when I don't remember that Lily and James are meant for each other, I memorize her. That way, when I'm lonely, there is always something beautiful to fall back on.

"Hello Lily."

The footsteps pause. I can imagine her turning to me, eyes curious.

"Hey, Remus. How'd you know I was here?"

I shrug, never looking away from the paper. I don't need to see her to know her. I suppose that it wouldn't be the same if I weren't a werewolf, if I had loads and loads of friends and all that, but instead, I care deeply about the friends I do have.

"Because you're a werewolf you've got better senses?"

I shrug again.

**No**. Not really. I don't need heightened senses to **know** you Lily. I've memorized every plane on your face; I could tell you the number of freckles on your left wrist (_three_). I think, in some ways, I loved you more then James ever could. You and I belonged together Lily, like quills and parchment. But destiny waits for no one, and I was not in your future.

In some ways, very many ways, I was in love with all of my friends. Except for maybe Peter. But our love for each other was never romantic, besides Lily and James who were always _LilyandJames_.

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(_The lights dim again. It's quiet for a few moments, until Remus comes back out, looking drawn. In his hand is clutched a note, which he strokes gently, until it folds out smoothly. A clock hangs above the stage, but there are no hands on it. There is not time here, this is only a memory_)

-**Remus**, he reads, **you're a werewolf.-**

**remus**: Yes, I am. James knew, and told me so. He was blunt. It didn't hurt. He wasn't accusing me, he wasn't threatening me. With James, I was _accepted_. He might have been arrogant, he may have bullied Snape, and he may have been feckless and immature, but James Potter was a _Good Man_.

(_James comes onstage_.)

**James**: You think that Remus?

**remus** (_abashed_): Yeah… I suppose I do.

**James**: That's nice Rem, that really is. I feel all _fuzzy _inside.

**remus**: Mmm… yeah. I suppose it's odd to say that, but you really are, James.

(_James looks embarrassed. He punches Remus lightly in the shoulder. Remus rubs it absentmindedly. The blackout comes in slowly.)

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**Voice**: a puppet show, compliments of on high.

(Remus appears as a child. There is a gap in his teeth where he has lost one, and his hair is sticking up. A streak of mud runs up the right side of his jeans. He's grinning in a gap-toothed way.)

a wolf puppet appears behind the child –music sings horror in the background- and remus doesn't see it. he is bitten. the wolf disappears.

(Young Remus' leg folds slowly and he balances, wobbling on one foot. His smile fades and frown lines develop from his look of concentration.)

james and sirius appear. they lean on either side of remus, helping him balance. peter appears at remus' front and puts his hands lightly on his shoulders. lily leans against his back.

(Remus as a teenager. His balance is guaranteed, even with one leg held up. The four figures keep him upright. He is smiling again, showing white, even teeth.)

james and lily vanish. peter snaps out of view. remus staggers. sirius wavers as remus overbalances, and then he too disappers. by the time he has wavered into nothingness, remus has regained his balance.

(Remus as an adult. His age is indeterminate as his hair is gray, but his face young. He's not smiling. Slowly he rocks back and forth in a melancholy pattern, swaying. His mouth works silently, as if he's trying to tell you something. –_i'msorryi'msorryi'msorry_- He mouths it again and again, but no one knows what he is talking about. No one is onstage besides him.)

figures flit on, occasionally helping remus balance, occasionally trying to push him over. sirius reappears, older. he is right behind remus, holding him absolutely still. Remus relaxes into the man behind him.

(Remus is smiling. He looks relaxed and happy. Sirius is not happy except when he glances towards Remus. He shifts constantly, but holds Remus steady.)

sirius' face develops a shocked look and he disappears. remus, totally unprepared, falls.

(Remus staggers shakily to his feet, but a red stain is spreading down from his upper chest. His leg folds, then he puts it back down, as if trying to find his balance. Eventually he sits on the floor. He writes.)

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**remus**: I've decided that I would use one word to describe each of my friends. I'd like to carve it into the tombstones.

(_he coughs to clear his throat and unfolds a piece of paper_)

**Peter**: Loyal. (_to whom, it didn't matter_.)

**James**: Loving. (_he loved life, and that was that_.)

**Lily**: Beautiful. (_inside, outside_)

**Sirius**: Unstoppable. (_that was why he was so shocked when he died you know, because we never though he could be beaten. that was why his ego was so large, that was why he was just so… big. so untouchable_.)

and **remus**: werewolf. (_that's allI can see.)_

(_The lights go out.)_


End file.
